I had an entirely different blog post prepared for today, but in the wake of recent news, I feel compelled to share another.
PLEASE BE WARNED! What follows deals with death (specifically suicide) and so please turn away now if you don’t feel comfortable reading that material. I do not expect you to read or comment. I am just writing this because I am looking for a way to cope with my grief and this is the only way I know how.
A young friend of mine, a young man I have known since I was perhaps twelve and he was six, passed away yesterday. I have not seen him since Christmas time, though I have spoken to other members of his family since and interacted with them on social media. But today I received the hardest news I have ever received. He is gone. And he took his own life.
And his twentieth birthday would have been Sunday.
And I am heartbroken. Devastated. At a loss.
And I am angry. So very very very angry! Angry with myself. Angry with the world.
And I feel guilty. I wonder why I didn’t reach out to him, why I haven’t tried to talk to him, even just to leave a message to ask how he is. Why?
And I know it’s not my fault, but I still feel culpable and this feeling of helplessness, of despair, of having the deepest desire to turn back time and take him in my arms and tell him that everything is going to be okay is unlike any feeling I’ve ever had before.
He was such a beautiful young man, full of potential, so smart, so witty. I’ve admired him greatly and I always imagined that he would do amazing things, and it kills me inside to know that it won’t happen now.
Oh, this feeling!
I want to believe he’s in a better place; I want to, but I keep thinking that this life could have brought him such beautiful experiences if only he had stuck it out.
And if you are still reading this friends, please take my advice. Reach out to those you love, to people you might have neglected recently. Reach out and tell them how much they mean to you. Reach out and tell them that you care. Tell them that you’re there for them.
And if you, my friends, are going through a hard time, please do not give up. Please stick in there. If you need someone to reach out to, I am here. And there are other people out there who can be there for you too. I know it. You are too special and worth too much to admit defeat now.
Be strong for one another. Never take for granted what an act of kindness can do. There is no such thing as a small one, as someone reminded me lately (you know who you are, my dear), and it could turn someone’s whole life around.
And to my friend, my beautiful friend who I want to believe is in heaven now because my faith is such, I am sorry if I failed you and if you never knew how much I loved you. And I hope that you can forgive me. And I hope that we can find each other again one day.
I had always hoped you might be the one. ❤