A Personal Eulogy

Friends,

I had an entirely different blog post prepared for today, but in the wake of recent news, I feel compelled to share another.

PLEASE BE WARNED! What follows deals with death (specifically suicide) and so please turn away now if you don’t feel comfortable reading that material. I do not expect you to read or comment. I am just writing this because I am looking for a way to cope with my grief and this is the only way I know how.

A young friend of mine, a young man I have known since I was perhaps twelve and he was six, passed away yesterday. I have not seen him since Christmas time, though I have spoken to other members of his family since and interacted with them on social media. But today I received the hardest news I have ever received. He is gone. And he took his own life.

And his twentieth birthday would have been Sunday.

And I am heartbroken. Devastated. At a loss.

And I am angry. So very very very angry! Angry with myself. Angry with the world.

And I feel guilty. I wonder why I didn’t reach out to him, why I haven’t tried to talk to him, even just to leave a message to ask how he is. Why?

And I know it’s not my fault, but I still feel culpable and this feeling of helplessness, of despair, of having the deepest desire to turn back time and take him in my arms and tell him that everything is going to be okay is unlike any feeling I’ve ever had before.

He was such a beautiful young man, full of potential, so smart, so witty. I’ve admired him greatly and I always imagined that he would do amazing things, and it kills me inside to know that it won’t happen now.

Oh, this feeling!

I want to believe he’s in a better place; I want to, but I keep thinking that this life could have brought him such beautiful experiences if only he had stuck it out.

And if you are still reading this friends, please take my advice. Reach out to those you love, to people you might have neglected recently. Reach out and tell them how much they mean to you. Reach out and tell them that you care. Tell them that you’re there for them.

And if you, my friends, are going through a hard time, please do not give up. Please stick in there. If you need someone to reach out to, I am here. And there are other people out there who can be there for you too. I know it. You are too special and worth too much to admit defeat now.

Be strong for one another. Never take for granted what an act of kindness can do. There is no such thing as a small one, as someone reminded me lately (you know who you are, my dear), and it could turn someone’s whole life around.

And to my friend, my beautiful friend who I want to believe is in heaven now because my faith is such, I am sorry if I failed you and if you never knew how much I loved you. And I hope that you can forgive me. And I hope that we can find each other again one day.

I had always hoped you might be the one. ❤

Faith

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10 thoughts on “A Personal Eulogy

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have dealt with suicidal ideation before, and it is debilitating. Such a difficult journey for those both that have it and dealing with it through a friend of family member. Thank you for talking about it and not shying away. I’m thinking of you and his family.

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  2. I’m so sorry for the loss you’ve suffered Faith. Something similar happened the year after I graduated high school. I wasn’t so close to him but it was really difficult to see a popular kid who everyone loved take his own life. I will keep you in prayers and the family involved as well

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  3. *gives Faith the biggest hug possible*

    I’m not sure what else to say, since I would only be echoing what your other friends have said so far. But please know that I’m thinking of you, and thank you for reminding us to be strong despite our challenges and vigilant of our loved ones.

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  4. Oh Faith, I am so sorry. There’s really nothing else I can say. My nephew tried to take his own life a couple of years ago, though thankfully his attempt was intercepted and he is doing okay now. That was enough of a shock, but to learn that someone you knew and liked is gone like that… No words.

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss Faith. I don’t even know what to say. Thank you for sharing this. I have been on the other side of the story, battling with feelings of hopelessness from time to time. Your post have given me a lot of insight.Thanks for sharing.

    Sending you lots of hugs ❤

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  6. Allow me to offer you my condolences again. I’m so sorry you’ve lost a friend in such a terrible way. I know it’s hard not to blame yourself, but there’s nothing you could have done. When people are depressed and decide to take it to this step, they tend to hide their intentions and they do it well. I’m available any time you need to talk or virtual hugs, love ❤

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